The Wannabe

Before today I never believed that one could make themselves literally sick with worry.  I always just assumed it was a figure of speech.  Yet with Jaxon’s first plane ride being Thursday morning, I found myself unable to sleep at all Wednesday night.  I even threw up several times while he slept soundly in his crib, blissfully unaware that he was going to be completely separated from me in only a few hours and on a plane to Arizona that could crash and burn before he’s even old enough to understand what was happening.  Where exactly did such thoughts even come from?  I love flying and have always scoffed at the thought of dying in a plane crash!  It’s one of those situations that I find myself in more often than I care to, where I’m fully aware that my fears are irrational yet somehow I’m still afraid.  Why does that happen?

Fortunately I have rational friends who are quite good at telling me when I’m being ridiculous.  As one friend put it, Shanan is a fantastic mother and Jaxon was in good hands.  After all, how many people do you know who put their child in a car seat on a plane?

So after falling asleep well after 4:00 AM and waking up less than three hours later, I was entirely unprepared to face the day.  I showed up for work, got sick to my stomach trying to remember if I told Jaxon I loved him, and promptly went home after several co-workers told me I didn’t look well.  I paced my apartment until I finally got a text message saying that they had landed successfully and that he had actually enjoyed the ride.  That’s when I breathed a big sigh of relief and passed out on the couch for several hours.  Now here it is, 1:00 AM, and I’m completely unable to sleep because I slept through the entire day.  At least I don’t feel sick to my stomach anymore, although knowing he’s so far away and that I couldn’t get to him if he needed me is driving me insane!  I need to calm down.  It’ll be the first Friday I’ve had free in over a year.  I should enjoy myself, right?  Maybe I’ll try to see a movie or something.