Devil’s Advocate
Aug 30th, 2007 by Eryk
When I was a kid my mother used to tell me not to listen to the other kids when they made fun of me. She used to brag to other people that her son didn’t care about what other people thought, that I was an individual capable of making up my own mind and not following the crowd. As a kid I understood the logic. Kids can be very hurtful, and being able to ignore their words and actions can be helpful in maintaining high self-esteem. But looking back at my childhood, I have to wonder why parents like mine teach their kids to not care what other people think of them. Aren’t we sending our kids mixed messages when we teach them to consider other people’s feelings while at the same time telling them that it’s OK to ignore them? Why is it a good thing to teach children to disregard the thoughts and opinions of others if they’re not the same as our own?
It seems to me that to hear someone point out your flaws and actually care about what they think is a quality to be admired, and to make decisions based solely on what other people think is the epitome of selflessness. Yet every day, people are applauded for marching to the beat of their own drum with complete disregard for what others think of them, while the woman in the uncomfortable but great-looking shoes is looked down upon as a conformist and the guy who dresses in the latest fashions, whether or not he likes them, is called a sellout.
If you’re starting to hate me for what I’m suggesting, consider this: the very definition of selfish, according to Merriam and Webster, is being concerned with oneself, without regard for others. An extreme example of this is a murderer who kills without regard for others. But what about that guy who’s clearly opposed to taking showers or wearing deodorant or that girl who doesn’t bother to shave or even comb her hair? Aren’t they being selfish with their complete disregard for societal norms and the senses of those around them? Granted societal norms are sometimes harmful, oppressive, or even deadly (i.e. Nazi Germany, homophobic America, etc), but many are quite harmless.
The problem is, I’m sure that I’m wrong. I’m certain that it’s better to be who you are regardless of what others think of you. But if that’s true, why can’t I shake the idea that my childhood would have been so much easier had I simply changed to meet the expectations of my peers? If there is truth to the saying, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” doesn’t that mean that in a twisted way, kids instinctively pick on those who are weak or different in order to strengthen the society that they will one day grow up to rule? Is it possible that conformity can be good for society?
Just a thought…
I always thought that the weird kids who wore what they wanted and never tried to be a part of the mainstream because they heard somewhere that it is better to be your own person were just torturing themselves in the present but that they would be redeemed in the future for being true to themselves.
Then I grew up and saw these kids as adults. Some of them are quite well-rounded, fitting nicely into society, lots of friends, still independent thinkers. Some are not.
Some are obstensively dedicated to their own very weird, very specific lifestyles and opinions that they end up alienating everyone around them. These are the people I try to avoid. Maybe a lot of people try to avoid them too.
But then the internet was invented. And all these very weird people spread across the globe found a place to be selfishly concerned with their own weirdness together. So all their selfishness is once-again justified. dammit!
I worry about my children being tortured too. The more I think about all the crap I went through in school the more I want to try to figure out a million ways to save my children the trouble. But it’s for the best. Popular or weird they will have good days and bad, no matter how much they conform or are independent. It’s almost completely out of our hands. So try not to worry so much.
“But looking back at my childhood, I have to wonder why parents like mine teach their kids to not care what other people think of them. “….My mom did the same thing. She would say don’t listent to what they are saying when the other kids were being cruel. Give your mom credit where it belongs. She did this to make you feel better about yourself. She did this to try to protect you from the hurt and pain. She was trying to tell you that you are worth something no matter what others thought. It’s not called being selfish. It’s called drying the tears of your child when he/she comes home crying because someone threw a spit wad at them because they were wearing second hand clothes.
“that I was an individual capable of making up my own mind and not following the crowd…” Remember what your mom said to you when your own child comes home from school after the school bully makes fun of him. Do you encourage him to surrender to the school bullies way of thinking or do you encourage him to be his own person? Look at all the famous people who didn’t conform and how successful they are. Conforming because you want to and conforming because of bullying tactics are two seperate things. Trying to say something to increase your childs self esteem and dry their tears is better than no advice at all. Instead of bashing the person who said this to you, you really should thank them. For would you be the person you are today with a family and decent job without those words? I hope you are prepared for your own childs tears from the school bullies.