The Wannabe

Feminine hygiene product jokes aside…

I actually met someone today who wanted one of Apple’s new iPad’s. It was one of those situations where the other person is thinking the exact opposite of you but their words are ambiguous.

Them: Oh my god, can you believe the new iPad that Apple is releasing?
Me: I know! What a piece of shit! What were they thinking?!
Them: What?! It’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen!

I take solace knowing that this is the first person I’ve spoken to face-to-face since its announcement that actually disagreed with me. I just don’t understand a device like this. It’s nothing more than a content delivery device, except the content that it’s capable of delivering is expensive and restrictive, while at the same time being free and freely available to anyone NOT using it. When did people start wanting to pay for things they can get for free? Movies, music, games, TV shows, and all other media can be obtained absolutely free of charge, and yet Apple is not only trying to make you pay for it, but they’re also trying to make you pay for the device that delivers it. It’s ludicrous!

For clarification, I’m not referring to illegally-obtained content. I’ve passed that phase of my life and have joined the anti-piracy ranks. If you want something that someone else is selling, you have to pay the price they’re asking. If you think they’re asking too much, don’t buy it. It’s just that simple. Fortunately, these days, content providers aren’t asking that much. Services like Lala.com and Pandora let you listen to music for free. You can watch TV and movies for free through Hulu and just about every major broadcast network posts full episodes of their shows to watch online. Flash-based games are all over the internet in every genre you can imagine. It’s the same exact content that Apple is trying to sell you, only it’s free and can be used without a special device!

Let me put this in perspective. TV is free. I can go out and purchase any television I choose, hook it up to a digital antenna, and get about eight channels of free HD television with remarkably good quality. If I want more than eight channels with better quality and more reliability, Comcast has a “digital economy” package that gets me 50 HD channels for $35 per month. That’s the regular price, not some temporary introduction price, and dirt cheap compared to buying the HD episodes through iTunes at $3 each.

If I want movies, I can borrow one from a friend for free, or for only $8.99 per month I can get eight to ten movies by mail (including delivery time) and unlimited access to streaming movies through Netflix. For that price you could maybe rent three movies through iTunes. If I want to play video games I’ve got my choice of new systems like a Wii or xBox or PS3, or I can get on eBay and pick up an older system like a Super Nintendo or a Sega Genesis (with seemingly the same quality of graphics as many iPhone games). Keep in mind that all of this can be done with practically every TV sold in the last decade.

However, what Apple has done with the iPad is the equivalent of a TV manufacturer deciding that they don’t want people watching anything on their televisions that wasn’t purchased directly through them. You buy their televisions at the same price that you’d pay for a regular TV, but instead of being able to hook up an antenna or subscribe to Comcast or rent Netflix movies, you’ve got to pay this company for every single individual TV show and movie you decide to watch. You can play games, but only the games that they sell. There’s some free content, but it’s limited, so you can watch the anchors read the news, but you can’t watch any of the video clips. You can’t borrow movies or games from a friend, nor can you lend anything to them. Essentially, unless it’s approved and sold by the manufacturer, you can’t use it on their TV.  That’s what the iPad is.  That’s what Apple has created and marketed as “magical” and “revolutionary.”

Do people really think this is a a good idea?!  What possible reason could people have to want to let Apple install a content store in their homes? It seems to me that we’ve become so driven by media consumption that we can no longer tell when we’re being ripped off.  Are there really enough people out there with enough disposable income to purchase every song and movie and TV show and game they want through iTunes? Even if there are, they either don’t know or don’t care that practically the same content can be obtained for free or at least for much less than the price Apple is charging. Don’t misunderstand me. The iPad certainly LOOKS stylish. It’s light-weight with a long battery life and a beautiful display.  I can easily envision myself loading it up with movies to watch on the plane ride to Tokyo next year.  It’s an appealing thought, but until it’s open enough to view whatever content I’d like, to include the ability to install any browser plug-in I choose (you know, like I can with every other computer in the world), then it’s really nothing more than an expensive way to give Apple more of your money. The iPad might as well be a well-designed $500 envelope for you to send money to Apple, stamp not included.

As of last Friday at 4:00 PM, I’m a home owner once again!  It’s an amazing feeling.  There was this euphoric moment when I was just standing in my yard, looking around and thinking, “I own this.”  Part of my elation comes from my previous belief that I would never be able to qualify for a mortgage all on my own.  I make a decent living, but I’ve got a high debt-to-income ratio because of my car payment and student loans.  There’s also the embarrassing fact that at one point my credit report was riddled with 90- and 120-day lates…  But apparently they have all dropped off because my credit score is suddenly quite high and I qualified for a fantastic 30-year fixed interest rate!

I often have trouble understanding why lines like that are drawn.  Like turning 21 and suddenly being magically old enough to drink, my credit score went from the low 500’s to the mid-700’s in an instant.  If you think about what a credit score represents, this doesn’t even make sense.  It essentially means that one day I existed as a terrible risk to lenders and the next day I was a desirable borrower.  It all adds to my feeling that so much of everyday life has been ruined by bad people.  I can rant about a lack of common sense in the world and make sarcastic comments about replacing under-writers with policy robots, but the simple fact is that those policies exist because there are bad people in the world who exploit good-will and those people have ruined it for the rest of us.

Philosophy aside, I’m so happy in my new place!  Jaxon and I stayed there this weekend and had a good time.  The windows are almost floor-to-ceiling windows so Jaxon can easily look out them.  He loves climbing up and down the multi-tiered deck in the yard and he had a great time running through the house and hiding in closets.  The house came with a hot tub, and while I didn’t really think I’d use it all that often, I soaked in it for a bit on Saturday when Jaxon was napping and I can honestly say that it’s something I can see myself doing on almost a daily basis.  It was lovely!

I’m already envisioning all of the updates I can make to the house.  First on the list was to mount my computer to the wall of the built-in desk in the kitchen.  Done!  Next up is pavers in the back yard with a small fire pit.  Or maybe new lighting fixtures around the house.  Or perhaps I could put together a small garden for spring.  So many options!  Of course, I could just focus on actually moving my stuff over first.  One step at a time.

Jaxon had a very existential experience today.  He and I own a tokay gecko, and for those who don’t know, tokay’s are known as the pit-bulls of geckos. Vicious pit-bull stereotypes aside, this gecko, named Axas, is really quite mean. He’s kept in a glass terrarium that locks at the top and has two small lidded openings that can be unlocked and removed for easy feeding without the risk of escape. His enclosure is cleaned out roughly once a month using a pair of tongs and heavy-duty gardening gloves that he can’t bite through should he get the chance. Why would I keep such a pet, you might ask? Because he’s pretty to look at. He’s about a foot long from head to tail with a body about the diameter of a silver dollar. His head is crowned with spike-like bumps and he has vivid red and blue spots all over his body, which he can change from white to black.

Like many reptiles, Axas eats crickets. Once per week, fifteen live crickets are dropped through one of the small openings in the top of his enclosure and the lid is quickly locked back in place, lest he try to make a break for it. If you’ve never seen a gecko eat a cricket, it’s really a very primitive, predator/prey sort of experience, as Axas slowly maneuvers himself into position and patiently waits for a cricket to pass by his motionless face. Then, when the time is right, he strikes! Pouncing swiftly and deftly, he engulfs his pray which disappears into his gapping mouth. Then he slowly and carefully repositions himself for another attack. The whole thing is quite primal.

A few months ago, Jaxon was with me on my cricket run and I discovered that he loved everything about it. He enjoyed the pet store and the friendly employees there. He liked watching the crickets jump around in their large tub while they’re wrangled up and dumped into a bag, which is then filled with air like a balloon and handed to him to carry. They bounce around in the bag and he laughed and smiled as he watched them. He enjoyed it so much that I decided to make it a regular part of our Wednesday night routine. He’s really good at it now and the pet store employees all know him. He says, “rickets peace” which the clerks know means “crickets please.” And after they hand him the bag he says, “tank-oo” meaning “thank you.” The first few times he shook the bag but now he carries them very carefully with two hands, right in front of his face so he can see them. I hand him two dollars which he then hands to the check-out clerk. We get thirty-five cents in change, and some of the clerks even try to count it out for him. Then he walks away beaming with the “rickets” clutched carefully to his chest. I think he likes the responsibility.

When we get home with them, he likes to stand on his stool and stare into the terrarium while I dump the crickets in. Whenever he’s at my house he always takes a few moments to look in at the “echo” and watch the crickets. He laughs as they jump around, but quickly loses interest before Axas starts eating. This week was different, however. Usually Axas is at the back of the enclosure but tonight he was towards the front where Jaxon watches from. As I released the crickets to their final home, one happened to jump quickly right in front of the hungry gecko’s mouth. With food literally falling right in front of him, Axas went for it. However, in his haste to capitalize on the opportunity, he didn’t bother to set himself properly for the attack. He was slow and his pounce was clumsy. The cricket saw him coming and tried to jump away, but even a slow gecko is fast, and his jaws clamped down on his dinner. Barely. He only caught the back third of the cricket, enough to ensnare it in his jaws, but not enough to kill it outright.

And there was Jaxon, inches away, watching in horror as the cricket hung out of the gecko’s mouth, writhing in pain. Another quick lunge and a snap of his jaws and Axas had completely consumed it. Jaxon screamed. Then he started to cry and bang on the glass, repeating “RICKET! RICKET!” over and over again. Then came the long wails of “RIIIIIICKEEEEEET!” as I swooped him up, patted his back, and removed him from the scene of miniature carnage. He cried for five full minutes and no amount of comforting seemed to stop the tears from streaming down his face. He was obviously devastated that one had been eaten. Perhaps he thought of them as pets, since I let him have so much responsibility over them, and he had formed some sort of emotional attachment to them. Did he think that we simply purchased the same fifteen crickets every week? I often wish I could see his thoughts. Of course, maybe he didn’t care about the crickets at all. Maybe the simple fact that he had just watched one living thing get eaten by another was traumatic for him. Either way, he wasn’t happy about it.

After about half an hour I was finally able to convince him to go back into the room and look into the terrarium. I didn’t want him to suddenly be afraid to go anywhere near it. Axas had eaten his fill for the day and was resting comfortably behind his little pond. Jaxon looked in, smacked the glass, and in a very stern voice said, “echo!” Then a cricket hopped in front of the glass where he was looking in and he smiled and looked at me. Did he think it was the same cricket that had been eaten? I’m not sure, but he was suddenly ok. He watched for several minutes, longer than I have ever seen him stare in, and then walked away to play with one of his toys, clearly satisfied that the gecko would not be eating any more crickets tonight.

He’s asleep now, and I’m wondering what, if anything, I should do with this situation. If he was five and his goldfish had just died, I would probably sit down and talk to him about it. But he’s only two and with his limited vocabulary, it would be a very short discussion that he likely wouldn’t understand at all. He doesn’t seem to be afraid of Axas, since he went back into the room later that night on his own and looked in for a moment. I guess I’ll just assume that he’s ok and see what happens next week. I don’t plan on letting him watch when I dump the crickets in though.

While working at the credit union a few years ago, I stumbled upon an article about a person who made his living by owning an ATM and leasing space from a convenience store.  Yes, a single ATM.  One of those little gray things that sit harmlessly in the corner, waiting for an unsuspecting teenager or a person in dire need of cash at 2:00 AM and are willing to pay a $3.00 fee to get it.  While stories abound of people getting scammed by ATM retailers, in some cases it truly does pay off.  Can you get rich on the profits?  No, you can’t.  But can you make a little extra money for doing almost no work?  Absolutely.

This is the story I think of when I read articles like this, along with the accompanying comments.  In my opinion, the comments are more entertaining than the article itself.  They’re filled with techies ranting and raving as profoundly as they can about why the article is wrong or why it’s right or why the person three comments up is an idiot.  Every once in a while someone will claim to have some secret understanding that everyone else has missed, and you’ve even got one or two that make very valid and logical points that are promptly ignored by everyone around them, as if the truth of the matter isn’t what’s really important.  Of course it’s not important.  The whole thing is akin to furniture salesmen arguing about the latest advances in desk drawers.  Does the average consumer really care?

However, since this blog is now my outlet for the rants that fill my head on a daily basis, I’m going to give my reasons for why I think this article, and nearly everyone who commented on it, is wrong.  There was one person who got it right.  About three-quarters of the way down, gmat says:

I always have a hard time understanding anyone who looks at every product as a “one size fits all”

This is the sentiment I’ve been preaching for years.  Computers don’t have to be an either or, and new products are perfectly capable of standing on their own without needing to be compared to other products in the same category.  Why is the Apple vs Microsoft fallacy so important to some people?  Why do we, as the followers of tech news, have to immediately judge every new product that comes out as either a gift from the gods or completely unfit to even be spoken of?  Why can’t I love my Apple iMac for the media powerhouse that it is, while at the same time enjoy the wonders of hard-core gaming on my Windows machine?  Why are we forced to pick sides?!

Well I, for one, refuse to do so.  I have yet to see a bit of mainstream technology, released by a reputable company, that didn’t have at least some practical use, and Google Chrome OS is no exception.  When reading through the comments, I especially disliked those who insisted that it will be a failure simply because it caters to a niche market.  I can easily see a Chrome-powered netbook sitting on my kitchen counter and functioning as a super-charged recipe book; one that allows me to easily share new recipes with friends, sync grocery lists with my phone, and display not only pictures of what the finished dish should look like, but also video of how to create it.  That’s something that the giant 24 inch screen of my iMac couldn’t easily accomplish, and a niche that my Windows computer has far too many wires and components to adequately fill. And who says that Google’s goal isn’t to fill a niche?  Who said that this OS is Google’s attempt to compete with Apple and Microsoft?  In my limited observation, I’m of the opinion that Google doesn’t even want to be the next Apple or Microsoft.

Take the ATM story for example.  Does the owner of a single ATM want to be the next Wells Fargo?  Of course not.  And just because they’re in the ATM market doesn’t mean that they’re trying to compete with a national bank.  The fact that both own and operate something called an ATM doesn’t automatically create a direct link between the two.  They each exist in the ATM world to cater to entirely different consumers.  That’s exactly how I view Chrome OS.  Just because it’s called an operating system, doesn’t mean that it’s designed to compete with Windows or OS X.  Google has never been the type of company to look up at a giant like Microsoft and say, “What can we do to compete with them?”  If that was the case then they’d be charging for their services and running commercials featuring celebrities spewing dialog like, “Hi, I’m a Mac, and I’m a PC, and I’m a Chrome OS netbook.”  Instead, they look out at the world and say, “What can we do to make people’s lives simpler?”  They’re not designing an operating system to replace the other operating systems in our homes.  They’re designing it to compliment them.  They’re saying, “This is what people already do with their computers, so let’s give them a computer that will help them do it better.”  And that, to me, is why Chrome OS will be successful.

Why is it that some things are so easy to buy and some things are so difficult?  Earlier this week I walked into a Target to buy a blender.  I browsed the aisle for a minute or two, selected the blender I wanted, checked the price tag, paid for it, and I was done.  That was it.  Easy.  Compare that experience to my attempt to order pizza last week.

I was having a quiet evening in with just myself and decided that I was too lazy to cook.  I had heard something about Domino’s having a new pizza recipe so I decided to give it a try.  I called them up and a gentlemen answered the phone and asked what he could get for me.  I didn’t need much, so I asked for the price of a medium two-topping pizza.  $12.99, I was told.  Having ordered many a pizza in the past, that seemed a little high.  I can recall times when I’ve purchased as many as three pizzas for less than $15.

I should take a moment to explain that I’m not a pizza connoisseur.  I have never in my life tasted a pizza, that I’ve purchased from a reputable pizza establishment, that I didn’t like.  Certainly there’s some pizza that’s better - much better - than others, but I tend to think of the taste scale for pizza as starting with good and moving up.  Bad pizza just isn’t something I’ve ever experienced.

So not wanting to spend that much, I asked a question that I’ve always assumed was a standard question when ordering pizza.  ”Do you have any specials right now?”  I was a little taken aback when the answer I received was, “Well what are you looking for?”  Was this person just lazy and didn’t want to read off the specials, or were there just so many specials that he couldn’t possibly read them all off in a timely manner?  Either option seemed unacceptable to me.  Regardless, was it not obvious what I was looking for?  I had just asked for the price of a medium two-topping pizza, and was clearly unsatisfied with the answer or I wouldn’t have asked for the specials.  I wasn’t in his shoes, but I’d like to think that if I was, I could conclude that my customer was looking for the best price he could get on something resembling a medium two-topping pizza.

Clearly, this person did not make that connection, so I answered his question with, “I’m looking for the best price I can get on a medium two-topping pizza.”  He answered that they didn’t have any specials on medium two-topping pizzas, and then instead of volunteering what specials they did have that might get me close to what I wanted, he paused and waited for my response.

I was getting frustrated, and it was only made worse by the fact that I could tell he was getting frustrated as well.  This was his job.  With no menu in front of me, this person was my only link to the products that his establishment was selling.  Did he really expect every customer who called in to automatically know what they wanted?

I made things more clear for him.  ”Can you please tell me all of the specials you have for one pizza?”  He replied, “We’ve got one large two-topping and an order of wings for $15.99.”  And then he paused again.  Seriously?  There was one special right now involving one pizza?  At least I had my answer to whether or not he was lazy.  I was angry now.  I thought my use of the phrase, “best price” implied that I was looking to spend less than 12.99.

My approach wasn’t working, so I tried something new.  ”Ok, what’s the most pizza I can get for less than $12.99?”  ”Well, we’ve got a special for two medium two-topping pizzas for $11.99.”  GAH!  It took every ounce of will-power I had in my body not to yell at him.  My very first question was for the price of a medium two-topping pizza and the price I was quoted was $12.99.  And yet for some reason I was forced to jump through hoops to find out that I could get two medium two-topping pizzas for $1 less than the price of one?!  I’m sorry, but that’s intentionally deceptive.  If the special price for two pizzas is less than the regular price of a single pizza, don’t offer the single pizza as an option to your customers!  If someone inquires about a single pizza, let them know about the special.  And if some customer happens to call in and say that they don’t want the second pizza, charge them the price of the special and just give them one!

Here’s how the conversation should have gone:

Him: Thank you for calling Domino’s, what can I get for you?
Me: How much is a medium two-topping pizza?
Him: Regularly it’s $12.99 but we have a special right now and you can get two for $11.99.
Me: Great, I’ll take it!

Was that so hard?